Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy/Transcript
(This episode begins at Walden's Beach House) *'Lyndsey': (groans) Oh, God. That feels so good. (moans) Where'd you learn to do that? Chiropractic school? *'Alan': Long before that. When I was a kid, I had to do this for my mom. *'Lyndsey': Had to? *'Alan': If I wanted dessert. *'Lyndsey': Oh, poor baby. Tell you what, when you're done with my other feet, I'll give you a little dessert. *'Alan': Thank you, Mommy. *'Walden': Hey. *'Lyndsey': Hey. *'Alan': Oh, hey, How was the opera? *'Zoey': Magnificent. "Il Trovatore." Walden cried. *'Alan': Oh. (chuckles) *'Lyndsey': Oh. *'Walden': Come on, a guy in a leotard and a skirt realizes he chopped his own brother's head off. That's heartbreaking. *'Alan': I keep trying to take Lyndsey to the opera, but she won't go. *'Lyndsey': I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of fat people singing in a foreign language for two and a half hours. *'Zoey': Well, opera's not for everyone. To appreciate it requires a refined taste and a certain amount of education. *'Lyndsey': Whoa. You did not just say that. *'Zoey': Say what? *'Lyndsey': I am plenty refined, and I happen to have an Associate of Arts degree from Santa Monica Community College. *'Zoey': I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be pejerative. *'Lyndsey': What's that supposed to mean? *'Alan': Uh, pejerative is having a derogatory... *'Lyndsey': I know that the word means! *'Alan': Sorry, sorry. *'Zoey': What's community college? Is that like a sort of trade school? *'Walden': Let's leave it alone. We've already seen one beheading tonight. *'Lyndsey': Where did you go to college? (exaggerated British accent): Oxford? *'Zoey': Only for two years. *'Lyndsey': Aw, did you flunk out? *'Zoey': No, I transferred to Harvard. *'Alan': Harvard. The Santa Monica Community College of the East. (chuckles) *'Walden': What did you say we go get ready for bed? *'Zoey': Yeah, good idea. (Singing) ♪Mi chiano Mimii♪ ♪Il percha non so sela, mi fo.♪ I also took a semester off to study opera in Florence. That's in Italy. *'Alan': Wow. That is one talented lady. (chuckles) And by "talented" I mean annoying, and by "lady" I mean bitch. *song *(At Walden's Malibu Beach House) *'Zoey': "Fat people singing in a foreign language." Can you believe her? *'Walden': No. It's unbelievable. *'Zoey': Maybe she'd be more appreciative of fat people singing in her native language. No to Pavarotti, yes to Cee Lo Green. *'Walden': Mm. Forget you? Forget her. *'Zoey': And then she has the nerve to assault me simply 'cause I have a modicum of sophistication and good taste. *'Walden': Mm, you do taste good. *'Zoey': (Sighs) I know what she thinks. She thinks I'm snobbish and condescending. *'Walden': Mm, but you're not. *'Zoey': No, I'm not. It's a shame, really. So much I could teach the poor girl. *'Walden': It's her loss. *'Zoey': God knows what Alan sees in her. *'Walden': Yeah, he could totally do better. *'Zoey': No, he couldn't; he's a complete loser. What are you talking about? *'Walden': Um, you said... Never mind. *'Lyndsey': "Refined taste." I'd like to punch her refined to face in. *'Alan': And you could; you hit hard. *'Lyndsey': You know what her problem is? She was born with all the advantages and now she thinks she's better than everyone else. Like her poop doesn't stink. *'Alan': Your poop stinks, honey. *'Lyndsey': Thank you. *'Alan': Especially after Indian food. That is a real working-class stank right there. Boy, I am so turned on right now. *'Lyndsey': What could Walden possibly see in that, in that stuck-up English muffin? *'Alan': Maybe it's her nooks and crannies. *'Lyndsey': What? *'Alan': Uh, you know, English muffin. Uh, nooks and crannies. For the butter. Or margarine, as the case may be. *'Lyndsey': Are you saying you like her body? *'Alan': Oh, no, no. No, it's your body that I love. You've got the stinky poop. *'Zoey': Be honest with me. Have I not been entirely eivil and charming to her? *'Walden': You have. *''Zoey': Then why does she give me that attitude? *'Walden': Who know...? She's crazy. *'Zoey': Well, I wouldn't call her crazy; she's certainly unpleasant. *'Walden': That's what I meant. Unpleasant. *'Zoey': Are you humoring me just so I'll have sex with you? *'Walden': No. I took you to the opera so you would have sex with me. *'Zoey': (laughs) You're terrible. *'Walden': I'm trying to be, but there's a lot of damn bows here. *(At Walden's Beach House) *'Lyndsey': Alan? *'Alan': Yeah? *'Lyndsey': I'm sorry I ruined our night. *'Alan': That's okay. *'Lyndsey': No, it's not. Let me make it up to you. *'Alan': Really? I get dessert? *'Lyndsey': (giggles) *'Zoey (moaning): Oh, Walden! Oh, my God! *'''Lyndsey: I don't believe it. Do you know what she's doing? *'Alan': Well, I think I have a general idea. *'Lyndsey': She wants me to hear that. She's rubbing my nose in it. *'Alan': Sounds more like she's rubbing his nose in it. *'Lyndsey': Two can play at that game. (moaning) Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! *'Alan': What are you doing? *'Lyndsey': Making love to you. Oh! Oh! *'Alan': You want me to help? *'Lyndsey': No, I got this. (moaning) Oh! Oh! *'Zoey (moaning)': Oh! Oh! *'Lyndsey (moaning)': Oh! Oh! *'Zoey' (moaning): Oh! *'Lyndsey (moaning)': Oh! *'Zoey (moaning)': Oh! *'Lyndsey (moaning)': Oh...! *'Zoey (moaning)': Oh, my God! *'Lyndsey (moaning)': Oh, my God! *'Zoey (moaning)': Oh, my God! *'Lyndsey (moaning)': Oh, Alan! *'Zoey (moaning)': Oh, Walden! *'Lyndsey (moaning)': Oh! *'Zoey (moaning)': Oh! *'Lyndsey (moaning)': Oh! *'Zoey': (Singing high-pitched opera note) *(At Walden's Beach House) *'Walden': Happy Valentine's Day, darling. *'Alan': You, too, sweetheart. Sounded like you and Zoey were getting an early start on your celebrating last night. *''Walden': Oh, yeah. You and Lyndsey were making quite a bit of a racket yourselves. *'Alan': Oh, you heard that? *'Walden': It was kind of hard not to. *'Alan': Well, you know how it is. Uh, you and I are like the mailmen. (chuckles) Rain or shine, we got to deliver the old package. *'Walden': Handle with care. *'Alan'': (laughs) Express delivery. (chuckles) No, wait, let me think of another one. *'Walden': This side up. *'Alan': Oh. That's good, that's good. *(both chuckling) *'Walden': (sighs) *'Walden': Oh, who am I kidding? Last night was a complete sham *'Alan': What do you mean? *'Walden': Zoey was trying to prove some kind of point to Lyndsey. *'Alan': So, all that noise was, uh...? *'Walden': I had nothing to with it. *'Alan': Sorry. Well, since we're being honest, I should probably tell you... I... had what was probably the best sex of my life last night. *'Zoey': Good morning. *'Lyndsey': Huh? Oh, morning. *'Zoey': Sleep well? *'Lyndsey': Terrific. *'Zoey': Good. I was afraid we might have kept you awake. *'Lyndsey': Really? I was worried we might have kept you awake. *'Zoey': No, no, I slept like a baby. *'Lyndsey': Hope you didn't we the bed. (forced laugh) *'Zoey': (forced laugh) *'Walden': They're laughing. That's good, right? *'Alan': Not that laugh. That's the bad laugh. *'Lyndsey': Shame it has to be raining on Valentine's Day. *'Zoey': Yeah, well, fortunately, the sun is shining in Cabo San Lucas. *'Lyndsey': Thanks for the weather report. Now here's Alan with the sports. *'Zoey': I just meant that's where Walden and I are flying for dinner tonight. *'Lyndsey': Really? Good luck with LAX. Place is gonna be a madhouse. *'Zoey': That may well be. Luckily, Walden's got his private jet, so... *'Lyndsey': Of course he does. Or they could fly down on her private broom. *'Zoey': What are you and Alan doing to celebrate? *'Lyndsey': Oh, don't worry about us. We have big plans. *'Zoey': Ooh. Another festive foot rub? *'Lyndsey': (forced laugh) *'Zoey': (forced laugh) *'Walden': Bad laugh? *'Lyndsey': As a matter of fact, we're gonna spend the night at a little bed-and-breakfast outside Santa Barbra where we're gonna drink wine, read poetry and have hot, kinky sex. Right, Alan? *'Alan': Oh, yeah, sure. Uh, sure. The, uh, the holy trinity of Valentine's Day: sips, sonnets and sodomy. *'Zoey': That's interesting. I can see you as a drunken sodomite, never imagined you liking poetry. *'Lyndsey': Oh, no, no, I really do. Here's a poem you might appreciate. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a nice person and you can bite my pale unrefined ass." *'Zoey': A lady doesn't bite. *'Lyndsey': Hmm. *'Zoey': She will however be happy to make you wear that ass as a bonnet. *(loud roaring, tires squealing, car horns honking) *'Walden': What the hell? *(At outside) *(car horn blaring) *'Zoey': (gasp) Oh, my lord. *'Lyndsey': Where's the road? *'Alan': Probably inside that giant sinkhole. *'Walden': It looks like nobody's going anywhere today. *'Zoey (groans)': Oh, smashing. *'Lyndsey': Swell. *'Walden': Sodomy? *'Alan': Sodom-ish. ---- *(At Walden's Beach House) *'Lyndsey': So, anyway, then we got married and had my son, Eldridge. *'Zoey': How long after? *'Lyndsey': Actually, my water broke during the ceremony. Really put a crisp in the reception. *'Lyndsey & Zoey': (Laughs) *'Lyndsey': Tell me about your ex. *'Zoey': Nigel. Oh, God, how can I describe Nigel? Highly educated, extremely cultured, and as you Americans might say... (American accent): "a total freakin' douche bag." *'Lyndsey': (Laughs) Really? My ex-husband is as you Brits might say... (British accent): "a right bloosy ranker." *'Lyndsey & Zoey': (Chuckling) *'Lyndsey': Looks like we both traded up, huh? *'Zoey': Yes, absolutely. Cheers to us. *'Lyndsey': This is turning out to be a pretty nice Valentine's Day. *'Zoey': It is, isn't it? *'Lyndsey': Thanks for the tampons, by the way. *'Zoey': Oh, pleasure. Appears our cycles have synched up. *'Lyndsey': Probably why we haven't seen the boys for a while. *'Zoey': We have been a bit out of sorts. *'Lyndsey': Hmm. Edgy. *'Zoey': Moody. *'Lyndsey & Zoey': Bitchy. *'Zoey': Oh, I do hope our fellows are all right. *'Lyndsey': I'm sure they're fine. *'Zoey': Yeah. *(At Outside) *'Alan': Let me go! Save yourself! *'Walden': No! If you go, I go! *(Alan's cell phone ringing) *'Alan': Hey, Lyndsey. Yeah, we haven't gotten to the drugstore yet. We're in a little bit of a situation here. All right. What kind of ice cream? Seriously, let me go. *'of Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy' *credits Category:Transcripts